Holding myself accountable in being brave, I have to say: This is harder than I thought it’d be.
No one said it would be easy. I am just surprised at how much I tie my own self-worth to money. I’m not making any money right now. And I don’t like it. I’ve earned money since I was 12 years old, mowing lawns, babysitting, shoveling snow, working in video stores, cleaning houses, dishing ice cream, waiting tables. And right now:
- I feel like I shouldn’t spend money because I’m not making money (– certainly no spending on skin or hair or clothes!)
- I feel like I’m not a real, contributing member of society because I have no income.
- I feel lazy — I’m “just” a mom, “just” a housewife.
I’m already quite seriously thinking about going back to modeling so I can make and have money. Then I could justify art classes, supplies, babysitters, travel, and (et hem) beauty products.
On the other hand, I’m loving my freedom:
- I died my hair!
- I eat what I want!
- I exercise for my heart and health not my looks (though my first yoga class in 10 years just kicked my butt).
But. I’m not making any money. So how do I justify what I want? How am I worth it?
Putting this out there is scary. That’s part of my journey, just as much as learning no one else’s opinion matters. Just mine. This is how big my brave is. That and — maybe — going back to modeling again.