I’m having a hard time staying in the moment. Sometimes it hurts. Who wants to hurt? Its much easier to escape and run away, not sit in ouch- ness.
A while ago, I read this book “women, food, & god” and it really spoke to women in our culture and the things we addict ourselves to in order to escape the moment’s pain: shopping, kids, sex, alcohol, prescription drugs, sleep, exercise– you name it. At the time I was dealing with (and still am, to a much lesser degree) a profound feeling of layered-on loss: of a home & land I absolutely loved, a group of irreplaceable friends now being 2,000 miles away, letting go of a 20 year, hard-earned career, and my big dog that had protected me night and day for 6 1/2 years. Owning up to my own escape devices was unthinkable. That would mean more loss– loss of my only escape.
But now, coming out on the other side of my year in h-e-double-
toothpicks, I can not only own my little tricks, but also do something about them. Stop doing them. See, the book talked about staying in the painful moment and realizing that *it was the worst it could be*, it would only get worse if I tried to run away. (And she was right, running away did make it worse!)
Now, its better. Even though, yes, I literally am telling myself out loud “hang in there; it’s going to get better very soon!” at least once a day. But, I’m not a complete mess any more, not every single day. Its better… Even though I’m still counting the days until I am out if this dungeon… It’s better..